The idea for Hubb’Allah came to me as a nebulous cloud, and I was informed by my intuition that I am to set up something to do with knowledge, sustainability and education. I also knew that I wanted to guide the guides, and set up a website with only my courses and teachings, and another one as a learning portal featuring multiple teachers.
So I established HubbAllah.com, partly as a courses and partly a corporate website, which is then supposed to give rise to other projects and sites–and it has. Meanwhile, the more structured and masculine side in me has awakened, and is taking stock of the developments in the socio-political and technological arena, anticipating challenges that human civilization can face. And I am responding to that by converting Hubb’Allah partly into a knowledge management company. However, having lived a very sacral, spiritual, and intuitive-feminine way, part of me laments this development, and another part feels sad that I have had to step into this role seeing the intense and immense failure of the Masculine and the structural in our part of the world.
The Men and the Systems are misguided and poorly-formed, and need intervention, support and correction as well as accountability and even penalization, where applicable.
There are personal, developmental reasons why I am not entirely comfortable with doing only either of the courses (only me, or mixed teachers) websites, and perhaps the comfort will come from getting the work done and rolling it out. To be precise the conflict is in staging and giving significance to the other and managing their talent while still being young and unexpressed yourself, especially coming from a history of being actively silenced and tyrannized. Thus I want to express myself at length and establish and center myself, and yet, since my twenties or even earlier, I have had a *bug* of developing, supporting, elevating and centering others. Part of this is my generous and expansive and mature spirit which sees this as a communal goal. Part of this is from trauma and abuse, and being pushed and rushed to become an elder when I was myself unfulfilled and young. Hence there is a tension that increases whenever I am asked to step into the elder role still too young. This tension has intensified as both my birth family and my host civilization repeatedly ask me to be a giving, bigger person. While this is my nature, this requires support that is currently not yet here.
I think the resolution is to take the next steps as fast as I can, and publish, express, and establish myself before I am too far gone into the stratosphere as an unexpressed adult. Amusingly, it is only now that my works, once futuristic, have become current and relevant. Which is mildly amusing and putting me at odds with myself. Again, the resolution is in expression, fulfilment, teaching and publication. This is the goal.
